Checking in: 4-17-20

I think the most terrifying feeling in the world is "uncertainty". Have you ever felt like someone has conspired against you? Or have you ever walked into a room thinking that every guest was just discussing you? For me, not knowing something is the most scary feeling in the world; especially to find out that what I thought I knew, I don't. This can make me feel foolish. I know I'm an intelligent woman, but I'm also not ms.know-it-all.

Today I can identify how I feel, and that is numb. I can't have a conversation with out losing my train of thought. I can't focus; can't listen to any one at all, not even music or the television. It is all static to me. I can barely start a sentence, and certainly cannot finish one. Uncertainty is boiling in my veins and burning at the surface of my skin. I cry at the thought of losing what I once had.

Those who know me know I wear my heart on my sleeve, so when you tell me something, I will believe you. Especially if I love you. If we have a close relationship, I believe you want the best for me and I can count on your every word. This week, I have truly been shattered, taking a huge blow from someone I love very much. What I can't fathom, is "why"?

Why would our loved ones, the ones who promise you every bit of trust and loyalty they can, why is that taken away? What could one possibly have done to lose that? For me, the pain of not knowing why this has happened hurts more than the act of betrayal itself.

These things weigh on us, only in an unhealthy way. Yesterday the only feeling I could feel was a heavy stabbing directly through the middle of my chest. Today as I woke, that feeling was accompanied by an emotionless face and lack for words. Hopefully, tomorrow will be better.